Left 3 years ago. Was homesick for a year. Every month I had a moment where I said I'm leaving, going back, I can't take it anymore. I missed things, missed those moments, the land, the "freedom" if you could call it that.
I missed the food most of all. I missed the funniest of foods too, a sandwich 🥪 was once my goto one month, I had to leave so I could eat sandwiches, then mexican food, tamales, real milk etc etc. It went on like that for a year. After that I started feeling more at home where I was, and thoughts of going back became less important.
Fast forward to today, I don't want to go back. I recently went back for 14 days and it was really nice, but I longed to leave and get back to what was now home. Leaving does something positive to you if you can get through the changes and somehow drop the emotional baggage that America gives you.
Leaving is not for everyone of course, but in these dark times it is a choice that people should make, if only for peace of mind, safety and sanity. Once you leave that dark place, you'll find that it doesn't touch you the way you'd think. Over here we don't really see or even care what goes on over there. It's enlightening for those that can make it.
Thanks for this. I generally understand where you're coming from... and I've experienced that process as well... although not so dramatically as I expect I'm about to.
There is a process you go through... isn't there? Change always brings new opportunity and problems... but so does the status quo.
As for cooking... I love to cook so I doubt there is going to be a food problem, especially if I wind up living in a place like Spain, Italy, or France. LOL. Italy was a dream for me... lol. The waiter would ask, "How was the food?" and my reply... Il miglior pasto italiano che non ho dovuto cucinare io! (The best Italian meal I didn't have to cook.)
But with new places comes new experiences... it doesn't make the decision to depart any easier however.
What I'm struck by, and what I didn't anticipate perhaps, was how this is resonating with nationals of other countries. Canadians upset thinking they have to leave. British thinking they have to leave....
I enjoyed your heartfelt essay and subsequent comments but ... 'Canadians upset thinking they have to leave'? I'm in Canada and have not heard or read anything on that yet. Not sure what you mean or where you are getting this information. Leaving why?
Welcome. As for change, the older we get, the less we want or even seek change. We think about it because our minds refuse to age or feel old. We seek our youth but want our wisdom we earned. We can’t have both lol.
As for cooking, the lack of the food we grew to depend on makes cooking harder. We have to use foods we may or may not like lol.
As for Spain, Italy or France. Those areas are common areas people think they should go to, but when you arrive all you see is the flood of tourists. Add to it, 90 days in 180 days out. Digital Nomad visa perhaps, but only for a year, plus the locals are sick of them raising prices for houses, condos, etc.
When you go, you have to think long term. The older you are, the less you desire to move again and again and again. You find yourself trying to replace what you had before only to find yourself mired in processes to stay in one place long enough to get to know the place.
That leaves you only SEA options. Some areas there are better than others, but, the options on living conditions must be a major consideration. Think On The Beach and why that area was considered the last place to suffer.
So much to think about and consider….As for others and how they feel, it’s rough on them and they will in my opinion make it rough on us down the road. We will be the hated ones. For now though, design your plan and execute it with precision.
You’ll be fine no matter where you end up. Ex-pat communities are everywhere and they are the best places or forums to study in making a choice. Don’t fall for the usual European haunts as they are overly expensive and not very welcoming and are filled to the brim with tourists and relaxation is just not there. I know the Italian thing, yeah, amazing place, but all those stairs, you’ll need to be in great shape to climb them all lol.
I left Britain for France about 7 years ago, and my timing was forced by the imminent Brexit. I defined that decision, not as me leaving Britain, but as Britain leaving me. That is still the way I think of it.
May I suggest you think of two America's; the one before Trump that holds all of your history and all of your memories, is the first one. You still love it, and it is best defined if you draw a line under it and keep it intact in your memory.
The second America is Trump's America, perhaps Ex-America, and it abandoned you when it swerved hard Right and left you sitting in the middle of the road. Not your fault, not even really your decision. You have no other choice now but to pick yourself up, gather your belongings and walk away.
Be grateful for your opportunity to get away. For those still clinging to the wayward America, or somehow tied to the back bumper, careening towards the cliff, their prospects are not good. Not good at all. Have pity for them, but mostly be grateful you are not amongst them.
The next thing must be this; tell me about your future life, about your new dreams and plans, about all those things you always wanted to do, and now you can..... Because that is where your life now is.
Tears are in my eyes, because you are correct. I am American from the inside-out, cellular DNA. We are now dreaming the dream of time gone by. But where to go, because this democracy dream is our true love.
You've captured the heartbreak exactly—loving a place so deeply that even in its betrayal, you don't stop yearning for what it was. Or what it could’ve been.
I'm an American who left a long time ago. I've lived in Amsterdam for ten years, and raised my kids here. But we would take them back to California in the summers, and always felt we had an anchor there. More and more these days, I feel cut adrift from the country that made me.
I find a lot of comfort in reading the words of immigrants from other countries, who often left their own homelands in far less privileged circumstances than mine. That feeling--the sense of the country you love and remember evaporating like smoke behind you--is known by others. The Turkish author Elif Shafak, for instance, writes beautifully about this. Just yesterday, I read in one of her novels: "Like all immigrants, I carry with me the shadow of another land." Perhaps one silver lining of the sunset of American exceptionalism is the opportunity to find one another anew, simply as fellow humans in an uncertain world.
Your thoughts are similar to how we felt when we had to leave Hong Kong after all the changes in recent years to return to Canada, only to find it in rough shape. Wherever you settle make sure to do your part and help once it is feasible to do so. It is a great way to understand the local nuances and get involved in the community.
Hi Billy. I'm an empty nester - my daughter is in her first year of college now. I'm leaving for Portugal in September, hoping to stay. I'm curious how you think about getting out of the country but leaving kids behind. I wish so much that I could scoop her up and take her with me but alas, she seems to have gone and become an adult with her own right to make choices! But I am terrified for her and it's my biggest fear about leaving. I'd really love to hear your thoughts about this. Also thank you for writing this article, which speaks to EXACTLY how I've been feeling and was so validating to read. I don't have many people in my life who agree with me about what I see coming down the road. They think I'm catastrophizing. I think I'm making an obvious choice.
thank you so much for your reply! i think that's a great idea. also really loved your post from this morning and plan to come back to it now that my workday is done - i'll post a comment over there. thanks again for all you're doing here on Substack - you're helping me see things clearly and feel more sane.
Given the thoughtful nature of your comment, I have little doubt that you raised your children well. As such, as parents, we have little choice at some point but to let them live their lives.
All I can suggest is that you need to articulate your fears and your desires, and be prepared to accommodate and negotiate with your kids.
I wouldn't underestimate the level of influence you have over your children.
Left 3 years ago. Was homesick for a year. Every month I had a moment where I said I'm leaving, going back, I can't take it anymore. I missed things, missed those moments, the land, the "freedom" if you could call it that.
I missed the food most of all. I missed the funniest of foods too, a sandwich 🥪 was once my goto one month, I had to leave so I could eat sandwiches, then mexican food, tamales, real milk etc etc. It went on like that for a year. After that I started feeling more at home where I was, and thoughts of going back became less important.
Fast forward to today, I don't want to go back. I recently went back for 14 days and it was really nice, but I longed to leave and get back to what was now home. Leaving does something positive to you if you can get through the changes and somehow drop the emotional baggage that America gives you.
Leaving is not for everyone of course, but in these dark times it is a choice that people should make, if only for peace of mind, safety and sanity. Once you leave that dark place, you'll find that it doesn't touch you the way you'd think. Over here we don't really see or even care what goes on over there. It's enlightening for those that can make it.
Thank you for this post.
Thanks for this. I generally understand where you're coming from... and I've experienced that process as well... although not so dramatically as I expect I'm about to.
There is a process you go through... isn't there? Change always brings new opportunity and problems... but so does the status quo.
As for cooking... I love to cook so I doubt there is going to be a food problem, especially if I wind up living in a place like Spain, Italy, or France. LOL. Italy was a dream for me... lol. The waiter would ask, "How was the food?" and my reply... Il miglior pasto italiano che non ho dovuto cucinare io! (The best Italian meal I didn't have to cook.)
But with new places comes new experiences... it doesn't make the decision to depart any easier however.
What I'm struck by, and what I didn't anticipate perhaps, was how this is resonating with nationals of other countries. Canadians upset thinking they have to leave. British thinking they have to leave....
Apparently unhappiness is widespread. LOL!
I enjoyed your heartfelt essay and subsequent comments but ... 'Canadians upset thinking they have to leave'? I'm in Canada and have not heard or read anything on that yet. Not sure what you mean or where you are getting this information. Leaving why?
Several Canadian nationals have expressed this to me. As is the case with anecdotal evidence… conjecture or conclusion from it is always perilous.
Thank you for your reply. I hope you don’t think I’m badgering you but did any of them ever say why?
Welcome. As for change, the older we get, the less we want or even seek change. We think about it because our minds refuse to age or feel old. We seek our youth but want our wisdom we earned. We can’t have both lol.
As for cooking, the lack of the food we grew to depend on makes cooking harder. We have to use foods we may or may not like lol.
As for Spain, Italy or France. Those areas are common areas people think they should go to, but when you arrive all you see is the flood of tourists. Add to it, 90 days in 180 days out. Digital Nomad visa perhaps, but only for a year, plus the locals are sick of them raising prices for houses, condos, etc.
When you go, you have to think long term. The older you are, the less you desire to move again and again and again. You find yourself trying to replace what you had before only to find yourself mired in processes to stay in one place long enough to get to know the place.
That leaves you only SEA options. Some areas there are better than others, but, the options on living conditions must be a major consideration. Think On The Beach and why that area was considered the last place to suffer.
So much to think about and consider….As for others and how they feel, it’s rough on them and they will in my opinion make it rough on us down the road. We will be the hated ones. For now though, design your plan and execute it with precision.
You’ll be fine no matter where you end up. Ex-pat communities are everywhere and they are the best places or forums to study in making a choice. Don’t fall for the usual European haunts as they are overly expensive and not very welcoming and are filled to the brim with tourists and relaxation is just not there. I know the Italian thing, yeah, amazing place, but all those stairs, you’ll need to be in great shape to climb them all lol.
I left Britain for France about 7 years ago, and my timing was forced by the imminent Brexit. I defined that decision, not as me leaving Britain, but as Britain leaving me. That is still the way I think of it.
May I suggest you think of two America's; the one before Trump that holds all of your history and all of your memories, is the first one. You still love it, and it is best defined if you draw a line under it and keep it intact in your memory.
The second America is Trump's America, perhaps Ex-America, and it abandoned you when it swerved hard Right and left you sitting in the middle of the road. Not your fault, not even really your decision. You have no other choice now but to pick yourself up, gather your belongings and walk away.
Be grateful for your opportunity to get away. For those still clinging to the wayward America, or somehow tied to the back bumper, careening towards the cliff, their prospects are not good. Not good at all. Have pity for them, but mostly be grateful you are not amongst them.
The next thing must be this; tell me about your future life, about your new dreams and plans, about all those things you always wanted to do, and now you can..... Because that is where your life now is.
Thank you for writing and sharing.
Every country is the greatest country
Every land is the greatest land
Who/what invented land- ownership?
Doesn’t the Land own us?
Who/what necessitated ownership
Tears are in my eyes, because you are correct. I am American from the inside-out, cellular DNA. We are now dreaming the dream of time gone by. But where to go, because this democracy dream is our true love.
You've captured the heartbreak exactly—loving a place so deeply that even in its betrayal, you don't stop yearning for what it was. Or what it could’ve been.
I'm an American who left a long time ago. I've lived in Amsterdam for ten years, and raised my kids here. But we would take them back to California in the summers, and always felt we had an anchor there. More and more these days, I feel cut adrift from the country that made me.
I find a lot of comfort in reading the words of immigrants from other countries, who often left their own homelands in far less privileged circumstances than mine. That feeling--the sense of the country you love and remember evaporating like smoke behind you--is known by others. The Turkish author Elif Shafak, for instance, writes beautifully about this. Just yesterday, I read in one of her novels: "Like all immigrants, I carry with me the shadow of another land." Perhaps one silver lining of the sunset of American exceptionalism is the opportunity to find one another anew, simply as fellow humans in an uncertain world.
I wonder how/when those in WW2 decided.
Your thoughts are similar to how we felt when we had to leave Hong Kong after all the changes in recent years to return to Canada, only to find it in rough shape. Wherever you settle make sure to do your part and help once it is feasible to do so. It is a great way to understand the local nuances and get involved in the community.
Hi Billy. I'm an empty nester - my daughter is in her first year of college now. I'm leaving for Portugal in September, hoping to stay. I'm curious how you think about getting out of the country but leaving kids behind. I wish so much that I could scoop her up and take her with me but alas, she seems to have gone and become an adult with her own right to make choices! But I am terrified for her and it's my biggest fear about leaving. I'd really love to hear your thoughts about this. Also thank you for writing this article, which speaks to EXACTLY how I've been feeling and was so validating to read. I don't have many people in my life who agree with me about what I see coming down the road. They think I'm catastrophizing. I think I'm making an obvious choice.
One last idea...
I think leaving to run away from something is much harder to sell.
In my own case, I pointed out how opportunity is being precluded in the U.S., and how a life elsewhere may open up new doors.
I found that idea a lot easier to sell.
thank you so much for your reply! i think that's a great idea. also really loved your post from this morning and plan to come back to it now that my workday is done - i'll post a comment over there. thanks again for all you're doing here on Substack - you're helping me see things clearly and feel more sane.
Given the thoughtful nature of your comment, I have little doubt that you raised your children well. As such, as parents, we have little choice at some point but to let them live their lives.
All I can suggest is that you need to articulate your fears and your desires, and be prepared to accommodate and negotiate with your kids.
I wouldn't underestimate the level of influence you have over your children.